The Real Story Behind St. Patrick’s Day: Or the True History of a Fake Saint.

Top of the morning to yea Matey’s!!!! It’s March again and we all know what that means. As we slowly creep towards the 17th of March everything seems to be going a bit green, and I don’t mean the environmental kind!


Yes…… guessed it……people start turning green (not with envy) but rather to gear up for that one day during the year when everyone wants to be Irish, (Well not really, but more of an excuse to get knackered off their head and blame it on little green men just yeah high!) for one day!


So how did all of this hoopla come about to be celebrated on the 17th of March? Well it was made up of course, in part to give the early Irish immigrants in the U.S. a day of national pride to call their own (as they were treated quite poorly back then). and second part to separate you from the green in your purse or wallet! (Yes capitalism).  So how did so many people end up every year celebrating a fake Feast for a fake Saint on a fake Holiday? (Yes it was all manufactured).

Coming To America

Well it all started  somewhere around 375-415 AD  in the 5th century (yet again as with these BS tales, it’s murky! No one is quite sure of the exact date), a couple by the name of Calpurnius and Conchessa in Scotland (some say Wales!) had a son which they named Maewyn Succat, (another account says “Palladius”) born into privilege and wealth in the Roman British colonies (Yes, he was not even Irish, he was English!) who would later change his name to Patricius upon becoming a priest.


So the only so-called truth we have is from Maewyn Succat/Patricius himself in the form of two letters written in Latin by him towards the end of his life which somehow survived. As a teenager he was kidnapped by pirates (they were Irish) and was sold into slavery in Ireland.  Forced to work as a shepherd under horrible conditions by his master for six years, this atheist teen (believe it or not) had a dream in which God spoke to him urging him to escape to the coast where he would find a ship to take him back to Britain. Doing so he found another group of (you guessed it) pirates who very reluctantly gave him passage back to Britain.


Reuniting with his parents in Wales, instead of reverting back to a life of leisure he traveled to France and joined the Roman Catholic Church and became a priest, and later a Bishop. Upon having yet another dream in which the people of Ireland called out to him, he returned to Ireland to convert the people of the island to Christianity.


The Bishop Patricius (the name he now assumed) was successful in building many churches and converting thousands of the Irish to Christianity for about 40 years. It is said that he died on March 17th 460 AD, while others say he was born March 17th. Both are heavily disputed!


While he was never canonized by the church as a Saint (which means he is not really one) he is considered the patron Saint of Ireland. In order for the Vatican to consider a priest or Bishop to be canonized as a Saint there is a five step process: 

1) wait five years after one’s death. (okay he has more than that under his robe. And this step can be waived by the Pope).  2) Become a servant of God. (check, he’s got that. God spoke to him after all!).  3) Show proof of a life of heroic virtue. (He did risk life and limb returning to the country of his enslavement to overthrow Paganism there, that’s sort of heroic!)  4) Verified miracles. (None at all, unless you count how he did not get killed upon his return to Ireland!) 5) Canonisation. (Never happened to date).


Well three out of five ain’t bad, but the last two steps are crucial to becoming a bona-fide Saint.  However St. Patrick’s fans did try to fabricate the “Miracles” of step #4. Let’s take a look at the bull shit they came up with and debunk them with the“Known Facts”!

Fake Myth/Miracle: Saint Patrick was attacked by snakes during a 40 day fast, so he delivered a sermon that drove them all into the sea, ridding the country of snakes for all time!

“Known Facts”: Ireland never had any snakes on the island ever! The last Ice Age left the island surrounded by water and making the geography too cold for the reptilian ectotherm’s to survive anyway.

Fake Myth/Miracle: Saint Patrick used the Shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity.

“Known Facts”: The shamrock already had a centuries old Pagan symbolic tradition  in Ireland and the number three was a staple of paganism as many pagan religions have three primary gods. He may have refit it for his own needs, but he didn’t bring anything unique to it.

Fake Myth/Miracle: He was the first to preach Christianity in Ireland.

“Known Facts”: There were Christians in Ireland way before St. Patrick’s time. The pope sent him on a missionary to preach to the Christians of Ireland. He was not the first or only one to do so.

Fake Myth/Miracle: Green is the color of St. Patrick.

“Known Facts”: Members of the Order of St. Patrick actually used blue as their symbolic color. The shade: St. Patrick’s blue.

Fake Myth/Miracle:  Leprechauns are related to St. Patrick’s day.

“Known Facts”:  Leprechauns don’t have a damn bloody thing to do with St. Patricks Day! It was a later invention to make the day more interesting and to capatilze on the holiday.

Fake Myth/Miracle: Saint Patrick’s Day Traditions began in Ireland.

“Known Facts”: “Saint Patrick’s Day traditions we may think of as traditionally Irish actually originated in the USA. The first St. Patrick’s Day parade occurred in New York City in 1782, and it became an annual event in 1848. Meanwhile, it wasn’t until 1931 that Ireland held an official St. Patrick’s Day parade. And as for alcohol consumption, it was not a staple of the holiday in Ireland by any means. In fact, until the 1960s, pubs in Ireland were closed on March 17, in observance of the religious holiday.”


“In Ireland, St. Patrick’s Day is a national holiday and has been since the beginning of the 20th century, but the first parade wasn’t held in its honour until the 1930s.

In the mid-1990s Ireland began to use St. Patrick’s Day to promote tourism and cultural identity, some say to reclaim the holiday from the United States where it has become a bit tacky. Others in Ireland and even in the US are concerned that the holiday has become too secular.


Today St. Patrick isn’t much of a thought at all in our celebrations of the famous holiday. Mostly we drink Guinness beer and enjoy dressing like Leprechauns. Sure there is the traditional Celtic music, dancing and dress to provide some touches of authenticity, but those touches are largely absent in Ireland’s own celebrations. What St. Patrick’s Day has become now is largely symbolic.”


Okay there you have it. The Patron Saint of Ireland is actually British, he became a Bishop but never a true Saint, the color of his order was actually Blue, not Green, he was attributed the “Miracle” of ridding Ireland of snakes it never had; and nobody really knows if he was born or died on March 17th.


But one thing we do know for sure, is that U.S. Consumers spent roughly 5.9 Billion on St Patrick’s Day last year! Who says it’s not easy being “Green”!!!

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